When you come to the end of your rope, what makes you keep trying? When you've reached the end of the road, how do you keep walking? When you're all prayed out, how do you refuel?
How do you deal with the most shocking, painful news that hits you in the face when you least expect it? When you are fighting with ALL the little strength you still have in you, how do you become stronger? How are you supposed to forgive and have faith and keep praying when you are hit in the face with the cruellest, most unfortunate news you could ever be handed?
How do you deal with it when you are a relapsed ALL patient, just fresh out of a BMT, still suffering from the radiation side effects and they tell you that your youngest daughter has been diagnosed with Leukemia??? A kind of ALL, having no connection whatsoever with the one you have? Just sheer coincidence, a one in a million chance! How is that possible? How is it fair? Why? She is five, for God's sakes! What's she done to deserve this? Haven't I suffered enough for ALL of us? Why does she have to go through this?
I find it very difficult to absorb. My faith is wavering. I'm ALL prayed out. I am in disbelief, esp so that they said it has nothing to do with my case! How could that be? How unfortunate can I be? Why am I being punished so hard? What have I done? What has she done? How can I reverse this?
The logical thing would be is to thank God it's this and not more, but isn't this enough already? That she has an easy case and hopefully curable in no time, but is that really necessary? How do you keep your faith in God at such times when you feel he is against you, somehow doing this on purpose, for some reason? How can you keep praying? How do you refuel your faith?
Zee is arriving in London with Wiss tomoro to receive treatment here at the hospital with me. Well, at least one good thing came out of this, I get to see her and be next to her and try to help her as much as I physically can. I get to hug her and kiss her and tell her that ALL will be fine. That it will be over soon, I really really hope.
Pray for us my dear friends, for now that my faith is not ALL there, perhaps yours could be of more help. And pray for me to to retrieve my faith, for Zee to keep walking, for this nightmare to finally end and let us go on with our life.
love you,
Hala
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my beloved hala, i sit now for a very long time in front of my computer and i honestly don't know what to write.
how could i react appropriate to these news? i fear i don't have the answer... how could i, if even god doesn't give it to you (at the moment)?
keep on having faith in YOU and ZEE. your "fuel" will last up to that day when you'll sit with your family on your sofa watching tv on a normal day (as you once discribed. i remember that almost every day)
i pray for you and zee
LOVE, oushi
Habibti Haloul,
I am not sure what to write, I read this entry so many times. At first I couldn't see through my tears and then out of disbelief.
I am not a very religious person and I can understand how you can lose your faith after this BUT I know that God does this to the people he loves the most, the ones he knows are strong enough to handle it and to get thru it.
I know it is hard to believe now but you can fight this too, you know what to expect and you will help Zee thru it all until you are both back home safe and sound.
She is still young and hamdillah she has an easy case. She will recover fast and this will all be a memory to her.
I pray for you to keep your strength and your spirit. I pray you will keep walking with Zee by your side all the way to Beirut.
I love you both,
Dina.
This is very hard to do here Hala Ya Albi so we will speak on the phone, but for the record: We believe in you. In love and in your unbelievable spirit. You can't change that. You may be tired and the news is so hard soooo hard, but we believe in your streigth and persistance.
As to God, the last time he did something good was 1400 years ago. Don't get me started on him.
Your spirit, the love you have from all of us and Wissam's broad shoulders will get us through this. Know this, we are all with you no matter where we are or how far we may seem. We think of you all the time and we know you will get through this.
We love you.
Dear Hala, what can I say except I don't blame you for loosing hope. But I will be your hope in your stead because I believe that you will be cured as you daughter will be too. It is very hard to understand why God would do this terrible thing. But be assured that you are not being punished. This is part of His plan and we don't have the whole picture. I will be praying and hoping for your tonight and asking God to take this burden from your shoulders.
My dearest Hala
When Lana was diagnosed with her horrible diseaase three years ago I was furious -- i could not understand and first thoughts go to "what has she?or have I done to desreve this" -- Time has shown that God in his wisdom chooses very special people -- and its true I have come to understand he chooses those he loves most to test their faith -- this is what this is a very tough test of faith but you will = you will you will pull through it --- it will be a long tough journey, yes, but you will guide you lovely zee through it all the way to recovery and then it will be a double celebraion of life and love. Be strong habibti -- find it within you to sum up all that lovely positive energy that has helped you to help zee --- she will be in your arms very very soon adn that will make it so much easier for both of you to fight it together --
You are in our prayers everyday --
God bless you both
Stay strong lil sis. God works in misterious ways. Maybe Zee needed you beside her or you her? Keep your faith and keep walking. What does not kill me, makes me stonger. One day all will be revealed and you will see His wisdom. We simply cant see that, not now. May God be with both of you and with all of us to overcome this test and keep healing. Love you BOTH. f
Halloush
When tragedy strikes, we ask ourselves what else can happen that could be worst? Well the worst has happened!!!????
Why you???????? humm...
maybe because god knows you are one of the strong people, the ultimate fighter, that will NEVER give up... before, it was never, now it's NO WAY!!!! Yes, fighters do get tired, desperate & fed up... but you are a fighter never the less... so is zee, cos she has your genes :) & you will be beside her…
we’re all praying soooooo hard that god can’t ignore us & will not. Because the prayers are for you!!! Because, I repeat, if any one deserves life, it’s you & your family!!!
I love you…
Dearest Halloul, Dear Mom, Dear Fighter.
God chooses his special ones for trials. God's wisdon in picking both of you for trial definitely has a meaning and only You and my Petite Zee know it.
We all agree it is a tough experience for a great mom like you, but we all know that the immense STRENGTH in you can help Zeena overcome her sickness.
What if God chose her tp refuel your faith. You should always say Hamdulillah for you and for her.
We are all here in Beirut praying for you both. Allah ykhallilik Wissam w yijma3 shamilkun as soon as possible.
Love Lara and Ramzi
OMG Hala!! i could not believe my eyes when I read this entry.. I am speechless.. but maybe like fadi said, Zee is your fuel Hala and you are hers.. keep the faith, keep praying.. we are all praying for both of you.. you are strong.. God be with you and Zee.. just stay strong.. all my love, Zena
Habibteh Hala:
You have not reached the end of your rope for there is ALWAYS more rope. Always. It's OK to feel all prayed out because the object of your prayers, whether you call it God or Hala or Tara or whatever, is actually inside you. It's not a question of reaching far to touch him/her but a question of sitting down in silence and feeling him/her inside your heart and becoming one together.
You have not reached the end of your road for your road is long still. It is a road where you take on the bright white responsibility of being a teacher. That's what you have been for me throughout these past months. And yes, I know you did not ask for this responsibility but I know that you will grab it and do an amazing job with it because it has been handed to you and that's an unchangeable fact.
Zee needs you to be strong. She will make you stronger. But please old friend, when you feel like being weak, take some time off from having to be super mom.
Please forgive me for giving advice but I have to say this.
Please keep thinking two things:
1- NOW; This very moment (not two moments ago, not tomorrow, not yesterday, not what could or would or should), and
2-LIGHT (light everywhere, between every two energy particles in your body there is space of light. The very particles that make up your body are actually constantly disappearing and reappearing light particles. It's what yours and everyone's body is made of. Even the disease is made of light. It's NOT SOLID.
Take care dear friend and keep us in the loop. I am praying every moment, for you, zee and all beings.
There is a breathing technique called Tong-len. If you are interested in it, please let me know in private.
Love your way.
Dear Angels,
The Great philosophy in life comprises three terms: Love, Hate & Surviving, which derive all senses of living whether good or bad.
God created people and send them to the Earth in term to live but we the people always think that life must be happy and peaceful, while the truth is we have to learn accepting our destiny because life is just a journey, and I am sure that this journey, that we name it life, is always swinging between good and bad times.
I am not trying to simplify your situation; I can feel with you, I am a mother too, but don't you ever think that only disease hurts people and don't you ever think that this the end of life or faith, all people in the world suffer from thing or other, but it varies from one person to other.
Suffering has several faces and you've got the worst face, but we, the mothers are much stronger humans in the world and for this reason you are strong and you should be, for yourself and for your little daughter.
You have to choose how to pass this journey (life) and accept your destiny and turn it to something welfare, accepting our life is much more comfy than challenge; but don't forget that defying disease is the most important step in accepting your life and this will make you much stronger to beat this ugly disease.
I read some of your diary articles and I am sure that you are a strong woman and brave mother, keep your faith dear Hala, it will relief your pain and you can depend on the beloved people around you, and even on us the unknown people who knew about your journey.
Please be sure that God loves you and your daughter much more than you expect and nobody knows why he chooses this journey for you both, and whenever you feel loosing faith or strength, try to remember that, God created you and all of us, and by the end, nothing will dominate but goodness for all virtuous.
Dear Hala the brave mom,
Now you must be stronger than before, enjoy giving love to your baby and in return relish the innocence of your lovely Zeena and give a great and colossal meaning of your life.
Dear Zena, may you be the balm for your mother and the light in her journey so you will conquer together your sickness and healing faster.
Dear Hala & Zena, my dear angels, imagine yourselves flying in the sky and cherish your souls to defeat the agony.
May God bless you, lighten & eliminate your pain.
I pray for you angels girls.
Your sister in humanity…
Rania
Unbelievable, just unbelievable!!
It is hard to find the right words since we can not understand the reason for all this.
Just be aware that God never deprives his daughter of a joy except for give her a better one, never closes a door but to open the main door; it is part of a drawing, His drawing that we, human being, can not understand.
What we can do now is to keep having faith and spend all our energies to win our war. You are in the best hands, your God now is your doctor and all his staff who are doing all their best to let you recover completely, to let your calvary finish the soonest possible and the same will be done for your lovely child too.
She is only 5 and I agree that it's a proof to hard for her; I don't know what she knows about but I am sure that she is not freightened by all this. I am sure it has been harder for her to spend all this time without her mom and that she was more scared to be far form you still for other few months.
You are all her world, tomorrow she will be with you, she will receive all your hugs, kisses, cuddles and she will be confortate by your lovely words.
She has an easy case, she shall not bear what you bore and she is in the best hands. When we are kids the sun always shines, life is a game, we just live for fun and all that we need is the presence and the cares of our lovely mom who make all so easy. Soon this nightmare will end, your spirits more fortified and your bond even stronger.
Keep fighting
Cristina
My Deares Hala,
I'm speecheless as the tears roll down my cheeks. If God needed an advocate today, he would most certainly not find one in me, that ship has sailed quite a while ago.. But I do beleive in the power of the mind and the power of love. You have each other to love and support and its up to you to be the strong one. I couldn't imagine what you are going through but you are strong and have one hell of a loving community around you... find your strength in yourself, your family, friends and pull through this with Zee. You're an inspiration to all of us, I hope we'll all have inspired you enough to continue this fight, now more than ever for the love of your children.
haloul,
we are so glad that zee will be with you today.we love you so much,all of you.
I know you are going through hard time but everybody in his own way is trying to help.maybe you don't believe in this but here's what tante lola did for you.she celebrated a special mass for zee and you in ste rafqa monastery .she also begged me to send you a holy sand and incense and an icone.she really believes that ste rafqa did miracles with her and wants you to have faith again.we love u and we will always pray together.
I can't say anything. I am crying so much after reading your post. Awful awful awful - will come back soon and try to say something sensible. Love you all.
A non-believer myself, I would normally turn to someone like you for an answer to such a question.
Your strength, high spirit, and perpetual hope are only a few signs of your faith, which I KNOW will always help you out.
And you know what? The other potent ingredient that will make you keep walking is love. Armed with your love for ZEE, hers for YOU, the love of all your family and friends who BELIEVE in you, and Wiss, the one-in-a-trillion-Wiss, You and Zee will make it through.
love you all, nimr
Dearest Hala and Wissam,
how we all wish we could lift some of your burdens with more than just words.
Is there any relief in the knowledge that childhood leukaemia is highly treatable? This is one of the first things I thought of when I heard the news.
There is more pain ahead, my dearest, but there is also HOPE.
Hope, hope, hope. It's better than any prayer or words of sympathy - it's there, within our reach - and we will cling to it and we won't let go.
Just like YOU showed us, Hala, with your beautiful and strong and amazing spirit. You have shown us these last few months HOW to believe in hope, and how we cannot let go.
It is all so very difficult to comprehend, but it is no one's fault - it just is. The only thing we can control is how we can deal with the blows - and I choose to follow your lead: to be graceful and spirited and positive. The positive here is that Zee will get the best medical treatment possible, and she will not be separated from you. She will, and you will, pull through this. You will get through this because you have HOPE, and you have Wissam, and you all have each other.
And in some little way, you also have all of us, your family, your friends, near and far - who love you and think of you and offer all kinds of prayers. And we have hope, and we're not letting go.
ZEE is halas daughter a tough cookie and a fighter she has AUDI's blood in her and she will get thru this and she will keep walking just like her mom ,,keep faith and all will be good sooner than you think..we are praying and keep praying and ALL will be history. I LOVE YOU we all do
Dear Hala,
Our mind latches on to what we identify with. Life becomes a dream, a flash, a collection of fleeting moments, and all we have are fugitive memories. And the mind wants to hold on to them. It wants to be attached to them.
It is unbearably difficult what you are going through and most people would rather avoid thinking about it; yet, you have to actually live it. You say how do you keep the faith? you just yield to it. That is all we have; God is in you. He is in all of us.
The mind questions, and poisons your conscience; God manifests through your conscience; become aware of this, and through breathing, let go of your mind. When the mind starts questionning, become aware of your breath. This will bring you back to this moment.
When the mind questions it is impossible to understand why. When you yield to faith it will make sense; when you yield you will refuel your strength. All that matters is this second; when the mind goes back in the past, or fast forwards to the future, become aware of this, and bring yourself back to this moment. That is all there is. Believe that you will beat this; do not let your mind question how and why. Use your conscience, or your awareness of your thoughts by creating distance with your thoughts; you are consciousness and awareness. Meditate on this and on beating it. Hugs.
Still thinking and praying about you and little Zee. I am asking God to give you strength to cope with all that comes. Lord, bless and keep you dear.
My Dearest Hala...nothing I can say now nothing will make you feel better but hope thay hugging Zee will make both your pains go away...I am out of words but not out of HOPE and FAITH yet..and I will keep praying just like everyone else who knows you will do..
You are a great fighter and a solid believer...just try and keep the faith and be strong not for you anymore but for Zee...A mother's instinctive love will make you her PROTECTOR...you will protect her, you will love her, you will pray for her, you will believe for her...and she will be alright for you and you for her...
Understand? maybe not? but accept? YES I DO and YES WE ALL HAVE TO
I wish there is something I can say that will make the pain go away..but I dont, just be furious for now and get all the anger out...it is the first step towards healing.
I will be back very soon...
Sincerely, Mo
I come from Frances' blog. You have the finest medical care in the world. Put your faith in the hands of the scientists. Warmest thoughts from a complete stranger in England. You are a strong lady.
Habibti haloul, I am out of words but not out of FAITH, HOPE and LOVE that I myself don't need right now so I give them all to you because I honestly beleive that with your spirit and strength you and zee will get thru this.I am praying for you and your family all the time. Give wiss my warmest thoughts. Love you..
Ramiramram
no words no words, just feelings, I cannot express myself... I wish I was nearer to support you in this, to hug you, to help you, to talk to you, We must all project ourselves in the future when all this is over, hope hope, and love.
Okay - Hala
My advice now I am not so emotional. Forget faith and hope and all that and just concentrate on love and how you can be strong to support your little girl.
Realities, treats, strong hugs, kisses, confident talk in front of her, all negativity and fear hidden from her and just talk of recovery, trust in doctors and togetherness. That's it. You are the mother, Wiss is the father, now you have to be extra strong to keep your baby cheerful, hopeful and confident and to try to prevent her from getting scared or worried. Leave worries about your faith and the rest for later. God can look after Himself. You and Wiss can support each other in private - concentrate on her needs and you will find all the strength you can need. You found so much for yourself and we all know you have even more for your loved ones, especially your children.
Wishing and willing you loads of positive energy and strength. Keep walking is truer than ever, keep struggling up that hill. As Rima says, childhood leukaemia is so treatable now, you should not feel hopeless. She is in a good place to be helped. Love you.
The shock has kept me silent for a while, sorry, I couldnt think of words to say or answers to your whysss!!! Maybe when we read the holy qura’an we can find some answers to those whysss and that may cool our souls a bit when we know that there is reason for everything that happen to us but thus only god knows about. He has certain ways to show us his love… secret ways. So let’s look at the good news here halloul… zee has an easy case hamdella and she is with you now… your fuel!!! A big challenge but we believe in you… you are able to do it and all will be just fine. Hold the rope and walk even in more rigidity. Keep on……….
love
THE CANCER CHANT, I WILL RANT.
"Cancer I did not give you the right,
To invade my body and take a bite.
This is my body and with all my might,
I will prevail with one hell of a fight.
To the cancer inside, I will battle and kill.
For that is my body's God given will.
To my cancer, these words I do send.
Your life is short and near the end."
Hala my dear, i don't know what you're going through but i know you WILL get through this because i can see you're a fighter and you are tough; tough in spirit and and in soul....
Never, never, never give up because once you choose HOPE, anything is possible. Remember that when you give into something, you give it power over you... so hang on in there and remember that every evening you can turn your worries to God, after all, he is up all night....
Do not be afraid of tomorrow; for God is already there.....
Love, Hugs and Kisses
Adra Family
My Dearest Hala,
Thought I should let you know that I have started a chain message called "LIGHT A CANDLE FOR HOPE.." and through my friends and their friends and their friends too and every one else who is willing to, we plan to light a candle for hope for you and Zee not only for your recovery but more importantly to pray for your regaining HOPE and FAITH...
So everyone reading this blog SUNDAY JAN 27th evening whereever you are in the world LIGHT A CANDLE FOR HOPE....
Sincerely, Mo
My dearest Hala, I have read your blog so many times & never had the courage to write. I didn't know what to tell you, I didn't know how to comfort you...You are always on my mind & I keep asking our common friends about your news. Deep down, I know you'll be out of this nightmare soon; ever since I've known you (was it 25 years ago????), you've had such a contagious laughter & energy. I pray for you & Zee. Love & Hugs, Rola Rizk
Dear Hala,
i don't know if whatever i am about to say will make any sense, i am sure no words can ease or relief you from what you are going through, yet i will say something.... we all come to this life as warriors, each and everyone of us is fighting for or against something... most of us do not even know what or whom or why we are fighting for... those are the most unfortunate in my opinion... at least you know who you are fighting and what you are fighting for...beside as i see from these posts you have the most efficient weapon of all .... love... take care of this advantage and use it well..... there is no way you could loose this fight... war is declared and believe me at the end you will win.....
ps.
"light a candle for hope" is on
Dear Hala,
You Don't know me, but i want to tell you that I will pray for you and your daughter from the bottom of my heart. Hold on as Miracles are still around us.
You both will make it ISH
All the love
sometimes it is very hard to have faith. it is normal to question and ask why, but whether you call it faith in god, hope in the future.... i do know that without hope there can be no future. it is hope that makes us perceiver during the most difficult trails. i can not even begin to imagine the hell that you are going through, but i do know that loosing hope will not help you or zeena. please please please believe, whether in god or in hope in the future, please believe!!
i the most unreligious of all will be in jeddah in a week and i'll do umra mentioning you and zee. i don't know if it means anything, but if it gives you hope than it is worth it all. my love, my prayer, my thoughts, my tears...stay strong hala
Habibti Hala, you and your little one are in my prayers and in my heart. I pray for strength and healing for you both, and for the rest of your family. Take from us, those of us here, our love and prayers. In your weakest moments, when you think you have no fuel, we will still be praying.
I am first shocked,then I reread it to be sure I read it right, then so sad, THEN I remembered who this little princess's parents are !!!
If it were anyone else but you and wissam I would have given up on any last thread of strengh to handle this
BUT IT IS YOU and WISSAM !!!!
What I do believe Hala is that your positive attitude , your incredible strengh and love for life , your sense of humor, your ability to find the little good in the greatest of tragedy's ,and your true soul mate for a husband are the ingredients needed to get over this next (and last) bump in the road
Zeena is young and she is strong
YOU must keep her going - she will react to your emotions so keep the chin up for her no matter how hard.
Hala most people would have fallen apart months ago - BUT YOU DIDN'T !!! Most people would get this news and say this is the final straw and I can't take it anymore - BUT YOU WON"T !!!!
I will be thinking of you and Zeena constantly
my love to you, Wissam and Zeena Beydoun (2) - you know I have a soft spot for her.....
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