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YAAAAYYYYYYY!!!! I'm going HOME!!!!! YAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!! YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!

After ten days of having arrived in Beirut, I am actually going home to stay for good, inshallah. I will finally enjoy my couch. I will finally feel the warmth of 'home'. I will finally see my friends and go to the places I miss so much. I hope. I hope I hope. (unless They have more surprises in store for us!)
I am not complaining, though. These past ten days at mom's have been very uplifting, regardless of what was going on outside. We had good 'quality time', good food!, good conversations, good hugs, good care, etc... It's as if I was in "pause" mode, preparing myself for the new ME, the new life, the new challenges.

I will not say much more today. I just want to share with you a prayer I got by email today from a very close friend/relative. (I don't usually pass these on, but this one touched me deeply, so here it is)

GOD WANTS ME TO TELL YOU

Everything that is going wrong in your life today shall be well with you this year. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year. For the remaining months of this year (2008), all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings, sorrows, and pains because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down.

To that I say, AMEN!!! Ya rabb! Ya rabb! Ya rabb! So, pray with me, to whichever god u believe in, that these words actually do come true for me and Zee and you and ALL your loved ones!

On that note,

Cheers!!!!

H

Home Away From Home!!!

Oui, I am home! I had a lovely, warm welcoming, with huge fireworks and lit streets and some kinda 'magic' in the air! We arrived at the airport in Beirut around 8:00 pm last Wednesday, right in the midst of all the frenzy! Noone was allowed to enter the premises, so some friends had to go to hell and back to get us out of there safely. Hamdillah, about an hour and a half or so later, we arrived to our house. The minute I stepped in, a wave of warmth swept ALL over me! I had forgotten how coulourful and cozy my house was. I immediately felt relief, regardless of what was going on outside. And a lot was going on outside!

The next day was even worse. We only managed to go to the hospital to see Zeena's new doctor, the one who will be taking care of her from now on. We took an appointment for next week, and hopefully she will resume her treatment on Thursday (according to the same British Protocol).

At night, the situation around us became very annoying. The girls were scared of the sounds, and we were worried about what might happen. So, we packed a bag and planned to leave for Broummana; however, we couldn't leave the house. We were surrounded by militiamen who weren't letting anyone go out or into the area.

Yesterday, it was sort of quieter, so mom and dad passed by us and we followed them ALL the way up to Broummana. We are there now. It's frustrating for me, I must say. I still feel that I am a prisoner, although I must be thankful that I am safe and with my whole family. I would have gone crazy had I been stuck in Sutton with no way back to my girls!

And to top it ALL, it's COLD!!!!! Yes, VERY COLD!!!! I was looking forward to the sun and the beach and the t-shirts! Well, I guess that'll have to wait a while. Maalesh, inshallah this thing will be over soon, and I can go back home, to my bed, to my sofa, to my sea and my sun.

Thanks to ALL those who sent emails and messages asking about us in this silly 'war'. Sorry couldn't reply earlier, but had no internet connection in Beirut. Welcome back!!!

later dudes,
Hala

And it lingers...

The SUN, that is. Hamdillah, we finally had a WARM, sunny day today. We took advantage of the weather and went to London probably for the last time this season. So, we took the "last train to London" around 11:00 and headed to High Street Kensington for some shopping. After about an hour, we decided it was too lovely a day to spend like that, so, we headed to Chelsea Farmers' Market for lunch. We sat OUTSIDE, in the sun. Hallelujah! Then, after that we headed to Duke of York Square on The King's Road, a wonderful new space with shops, restaurants, cafes, live music and a food market. It was great to be out and about, mingling with ALL the Londoners, none of whom is actually British! The only downfall to the whole trip were the Lebanese girls we saw at the restaurant. You could spot them from a mile. They ALL look the same, they have puffed up lips and blondish hair, big designer handbags and a snubbish attitude! What a pity that this is how we present to the world!

Anyway, to wrap up a really nice day, we took Zee to Hyde Park to feed the ducks in the lake. However, Zee was very surprised when the ducks didn't eat her 'crisps', hehe. We just lay there, drinking in the warmth, bidding farewell to this wonderful city, and probably this 'lucky' weather!

A week ago, I couldn't wait to get back home. Now, I kinda feel bad that I am. Actually, not bad, but sad. London's been good to me. It has witnessed (and facilitated) my rebirth. Yes, I have TWO birthdays now. Do you think they will give me a British passport??? I don't think so!

London, or Sutton in London, has become my second home. I sure am going to miss it. I'm going to miss the 'bloody' English, and their weird sense of humour, and their excessive politeness, and their technology, and their and their and their... Yalla, baseeta. Thank God I need to come back for check-ups every three months! Isn't it ironic that I only got to enjoy London right before I left it? (Oh, did I mention I'm going home in FOUR days?????) YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!

Here's to more visits to London, free of headaches and worries and bad weather, hopefully.

mwah,

halalujah!!!!!

Here Comes the Sun...

Everybody sing along now, "Here comes the sun, little darling. Here comes the sun, and I say: It's ALLright, ta ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra...
You can tell from my new sunglasses and the smile on MY FACE that the sun has finally arrived in good ol' Sutton! And I'm not just talking about the hot star! I feel much better than I did when I wrote my last blog entry. Actually I want to thank ALL those who commented and emailed and called to support me and give me an extra push. I also want to thank those who called to scold me and shake me into the 'Real Reality', which is that I really have come very far and I thank God (and Potter) everyday for that. I am also very lucky to have family and friends supporting me and Wiss and Zee beside me guiding me through it, even if Zee has the misfortune to experience some hardships along the way. Issokay, we will pull through. We will keep walking side by side, and we will overcome ALL hurdles, God willing.

For those who were wondering, the test results came out today. They were excellent, hamdillah. 100% donor cells. Way to go Fadi!!! Yaaaayyy!!! The doc is very happy with me and has stopped 2 more medications AND has allowed me to go home!!! (Oh and he assured me that I will no longer be fertile, so hurrah for unprotected sex!!! Yaaaayyyy!) (Now, you didn't really need to know that! Sorry, mom, dad!!!)

But that'll have to wait a little bit, cuz after a couple of hours on the phone with Home Office, I finally withdrew my application and asked them to post back my passport cuz that was the only way I could get back home in this century! I lost the fee, toz. I will have to get a visa for my next visit from Beirut, baseeta. Hopefully it'll go well and ALL will be fine. So, fingers crossed, I am hoping to be back in "Ten working days"!!!! (mind you, just to add to my misery, Monday is bank holiday, and thus doesn't count! {that's for those of you who have started calculating dates!!}) Aiming for mid May, people, ceteris paribus. (is that how they spell it?)

On a brighter note, Zee is also feeling much better, habibti. Her counts are better today, and she is hyper hyper! She even ate the eggplant dish I cooked for us for lunch!

Now, before I retire to my highly uncomfortable bed, I just really want to thank those 'fans' or 'groupies' or 'newly-acquired friends' whom I have never met (or haven't seen in ages) and who have been supporting me throughout this journey. Your comments have made a big difference in my fight against this horrible, merciless illness! Thank you. I love you ALL!!!!!!!

nighty night,
mwah
H

Time for A REALITY CHECK!

It's been six months since I arrived in Sutton.
It's been five months since I underwent my bone marrow transplant.
It's been three months since Zeena arrived in Sutton for treatment.
It's been one month since I started reducing the medications.
It's been one hell of a bumpy ride!!!

So far, I still haven't recovered completely. My feet are still swollen and they hurt. My energy levels aren't as high as they used to be. My patience runs out very quickly, and my concentration levels aren't up to their usual norm. I am tired, sick of ALL this. I want to move on, get on with my life. I want to have the energy to care for Zee and be with her and help her, and not feel sick whenever she does, or hate to go to the hospital whenever she needs to go cuz I couldn't stand the smell of it any longer.

As you can probably tell, the last few days have not been very pleasant. First, on Monday, my doc told me there was a test he needed me to repeat just to make sure of something. That, of course, made me worried and had me ask a million questions, one of which was if I might get the cancer back and would have to go through the whole thing again. His answer was 'yes, it is possible, but not in this case now' which made my stomach churn and grind.
REALITY CHECK: I am still sick. I am a sick person. I may relapse any day. I have no control of my life!!!

Then, the next day, Zee was feeling very sick and was vomiting ALL day. She was whining and crying with pain which made me feel helpless and at the same time enraged. We had to take her to hospital and give her some intraveneous meds before she started feeling a bit better. It wasn't until well into Wednesday that her whining stopped and her smile returned.
REALITY CHECK: my five-year old daughter is sick, and she will be for a while, and I dunno if I can walk that way one more time.

Today, after cooking and shopping and the usual bologne, I called Home Office to check on my passport. I had sent it to have my visa extended. I was told that my application was still 'in progress' and that it usually takes 4 to 14 weeks to return the passports!!! You can imagine how I felt since I was planning to leave for Beirut next week! There's nothing I can do really, except stop the application and retrieve the passport at least 'ten working days later' (and of course, lose the money).
REALITY CHECK: I am stuck with no passport and no idea when I can return home and there's nothing I can do about it.

So, you have an idea of how I feel now. Oh, and earlier today, I had lost my credit card, which enraged me cuz I hardly ever lose anything. I usually know exactly where everything is.
REALITY CHECK: shit happens!

Ah, and to top this ALL up, BA told me I couldn't use my tickets to return to Beirut cuz they were void, given that I 'hadn't shown up' on the specified date in February. How the heck was I supposed to show up when I was busy between hospital wards and bottles of medicine?! Plus, noone had told me I had to call if I couldn't show up, and I was told I had bought 'open tickets'. Open tickets my ...
REALITY CHECK: I have to buy three new tickets!

Baseeta, killo mnee7, as long as health is good AND I get my passport soon.
Hamdillah again for ALL. It could have been much worse. I just dunno how much more I can handle. I'm sure, rather hopeful, that my luck will turn around soon and I will get to live a 'normal', boring life, with work worries and routine and kids' nagging and all the lovely stuff that come with it!

A good friend of mine told me that people in my situation come out of it either more religious, or more philosophical or totally insane! I think I fall in the last category here! Or at least I am on my way there.

insanely,
halalouloulaaaaahhhh

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WISSOOOOOO!!!!!

ALL together now, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Wisso, happy birthday to you!!!!" Yeaaaaahhhh, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE.

Yes, it's Wissam's birthday today, and yes, we celebrated it in Sutton! Luckily, we saw some sun today (after a week of freezing cold wind and rain), so we went to the Chinese restaurant round the corner and had a mediocre lunch with a so-so bottle of wine! Then in the afternoon Zee brought in the cake (a store-bought M&S one, thank God for M&S) which she had chosen herself. Dad was 'surprised' and loved his present (the 'I love Sutton' t-shirt!)

Wissam really does love Sutton!!! Well, he loves England as a whole now. We have converted him, the Frenchie!!! He can't imagine going back to chaotic Beirut. He says he wants to apply for assylum!

To be honest, I am quite worried about going back, too. I mean I can't wait for it to happen, hopefully beginning May, but I am kinda nervous, or anxious, about returning to a 'normal' life and ALL the responsibilities that come along with that. Yalla, maalesh, slowly slowly, ALL will be fine, inshallah. Tomorrow I see the doc again, and hopefully I will get a clearer picture of my situation and the date of our return. Will keep u posted (no pun intended, hehe!!!)

Mwah,

Hala

The Loooong & Winding road...

[Just a few minutes ago, while I was uploading these photos, I accidentally pressed the 'publish post' button and the pictures went on the blog without a text. By the time I had realised what had happened, two people had already posted a comment, not quite understanding what those photos meant. Tamara and Cristina, so sorry for this mishap! My bad! (But Tam, I must say, you have some imagination!!!)]

Yes, I feel I am in 'rodage' mode! I have absolutely no idea what that means in English, but it's a sign new cars (or new-engine cars) used to put on their back windshield window (do we call it that???) to tell people to take it easy on them cuz they can't go fast. "Rodage" cars also cannot go up mountain roads, or go long distances without a rest... hehe. Sounds like me, eh??? Alas, cars nowadays don't go through this 'rodage' phase due to (or shall I say thanks to) some technological achievement in the car industry which I know nothing about. I believe people (or cars) sometimes need to take their time. So, I thought I'd pay homage to a childhood 'experience', some extinct six-letter word that takes one from a state to another, from poorly to healthy, from so-so to 'finally normal'. Rodage, I am ALL yours. Take me there. And hurry... hehe!

Cheers,
H

Ever since the doc started reducing my meds, my immunity has been playing up on me. I feel a bit tired and my feet are swollen. I even caught a nasty cold that left me kinda down and angry again. But, issokay, slowly slowly, we'll get there, inshallah. I have to be off all medication before they let me go home again, and this is exactly why. They want to make sure I am strong enough to continue on my own. So, hopefully I'll get stronger and break out of this cell early next month.