Thanks From Me n Zee!!!

Dear Friends,

Zee and I would like to thank ALL those who lit candles for us last night. I heard the sky was lit in almost every country around the world! Special thanks to Mo for his extra special campaign, you are too precious!

We just want you to know that we are doing fine and that together we will make it through this, inshallah, with your help and support.

Zee has been allowed to come visit us at home these past two days in the afternoons. 7adara!!! (i.e. civilization!) She came for a few hours, ate teta's food like it was the first meal she'd had in years and filled up on hugs, kisses and cuddles to last till the next day.

My doc's appt was very positive today too, hamdillah. Everything going according to plan (a few side effects from the meds, but it's ok). Pretty soon I will be as strong as ever, God willing, and I will take Zee back home to Beirut to continue her consolidation treatment there.

On a lighter note, notice my eyebrows growing back!!! Yaaaaay!!! My hair's also starting to show. Yippeee!

yalla, l8r dudes,

mwah

H

Mysterious, indeed!

They say that the Lord works in mysterious ways, but this is freaky, man! Ever since I saw my beloved little one, I have found an inner strength that I didn't know existed just yet. Habibet albi, she is such a strong little girl, a tougher cookie than her mom! Seeing her at first with ALL the tubes and stuff coming out of her made me feel sick and queasy, but then I held myself together and her strength seemed to have rubbed on me. Now ALL of a sudden, my stomach is better (of course also tks to mom's amazing remedies) andI find I need to wake up early and rush to the hospital to take Wissam's place. I am not much the one who plays with her, but more the one who feeds, bathes, soothes and cuddles her, kinda what I really want and can do at the moment. I will not lie to you, I am still weak and shaky, but I am trying to ignore that and to put her in front of everything else. I have been criticized of overdoing it, but I can't help it. I want her to go through this as quickly and as smoothly as possible. And she will, inshallah, for they are saying her treatment will be short and easy, hamdillah.

So, whether you believe in God or any other Superior being, I am grateful for what's happening, ironic as it may be, but it could have been a lot worse. Pretty soon Zee will be home here with me, probably next week, and then she will be treated as an outpatient, so we will have our weekly hospital visits together, kinda like 'mother-daughter bonding', a much needed bonding since Zee and I have always been separated from eachother by sickness.

Zee is here now, with me, in my arms. I see her, smell her, touch her and hug her and thank God for her, yes, there must be a 'God' for bringing her to me and giving me enough strength to try and care for her as best as I can.

I want to sincerely thank ALL of you who wrote to me, whether on this blog or privately, and consoled me and tried to help me through this nightmare. I believe in hope, in love, in faith, in being strong together. I am grateful for ALL your kind words and advice, even those whom I don't know, or those I hadn't heard from in ages. What matters is that Zee and I are together and we will get through this together, God willing.

Wish me luck in finding yet more strength to sail through this, and pray for Zee and her quick recovery. I rely on you my friends to help my daughter just as you helped me get through such an ugly ordeal.

Love you tons,
Hala

How do u refuel faith?

When you come to the end of your rope, what makes you keep trying? When you've reached the end of the road, how do you keep walking? When you're all prayed out, how do you refuel?
How do you deal with the most shocking, painful news that hits you in the face when you least expect it? When you are fighting with ALL the little strength you still have in you, how do you become stronger? How are you supposed to forgive and have faith and keep praying when you are hit in the face with the cruellest, most unfortunate news you could ever be handed?
How do you deal with it when you are a relapsed ALL patient, just fresh out of a BMT, still suffering from the radiation side effects and they tell you that your youngest daughter has been diagnosed with Leukemia??? A kind of ALL, having no connection whatsoever with the one you have? Just sheer coincidence, a one in a million chance! How is that possible? How is it fair? Why? She is five, for God's sakes! What's she done to deserve this? Haven't I suffered enough for ALL of us? Why does she have to go through this?
I find it very difficult to absorb. My faith is wavering. I'm ALL prayed out. I am in disbelief, esp so that they said it has nothing to do with my case! How could that be? How unfortunate can I be? Why am I being punished so hard? What have I done? What has she done? How can I reverse this?
The logical thing would be is to thank God it's this and not more, but isn't this enough already? That she has an easy case and hopefully curable in no time, but is that really necessary? How do you keep your faith in God at such times when you feel he is against you, somehow doing this on purpose, for some reason? How can you keep praying? How do you refuel your faith?

Zee is arriving in London with Wiss tomoro to receive treatment here at the hospital with me. Well, at least one good thing came out of this, I get to see her and be next to her and try to help her as much as I physically can. I get to hug her and kiss her and tell her that ALL will be fine. That it will be over soon, I really really hope.

Pray for us my dear friends, for now that my faith is not ALL there, perhaps yours could be of more help. And pray for me to to retrieve my faith, for Zee to keep walking, for this nightmare to finally end and let us go on with our life.

love you,
Hala

Yansoon Dilemma Solved!

Dear ALL,
Thanks a million to everyone who tried to send me Aniseed or 'yansoon'. I finally got some. Guess how? MOMMY"S HERE!!! YAAAYYY!!!! She and Cyba surprised me a couple of days ago. Suddenly everything seems easier to handle!
Mom not only brought yansoon, but also half of her freezer including ALL kinds of 'kibbe' and spices and sheesh barak... yum yum yum. So, no worries about me eating well (as soon as I can manage to actually 'eat' anything! :(
Going to see the doc tomoro and try to find a solution to this bugger of a pain.
Wiss left to Beirut last night to check on girls. I miss him already! Pls those reading in Beirut, take care of him for me!

I will write more extensively later on,
meanwhile, stay warm

love u tons,
H

And the Cookie Takes the Cake!!!

Oh yes, folks. The only thing I could fathom putting in my mouth this morning was actually a biscuiut and some tea. (Yes, Hania, I dipped it first, of course!) And not just any biscuit. Seeing that I had a choice between Rich Tea, Double Choc-Chip, Burbon Creams and Digestives, the latter was the only one I could actually try. I had one and a half biscuits with some tea and felt bloated after that! As for lunch, eeeeewwwwwwwww, I can't even think of food any more. I tried some boiled potatoes, too dry! I think last night's Maggi chicken broth soup is a winner for dinnertime. Perhaps I'll try that again tonight, much to the dismay of Rabab, I know, for not having it fresh, but honestly, it isw lighter this way.

You should hear the sounds my stomach and intestines are making. It's like Jurassic Park Revisited ALL over again; a frickin' Tyranosaurus Rex or sth roaming around inside me.

I really want to thank all u who sent recipes and suggestions, but, u know what, I think no matter what I eat, as long as I am taking so much medication, nothimg will help improvw my 'situation'! It's a good thing I'm seeing the doc tomoro. Perhaps he can find a miracle cure for me. (just let's pray he doesn't stick me in the cell again...!)

As for those who sent me tips on how to keep busy, wow, there are some nice ideas there I hadn't thought of, some really fun, too (tks Hala 4 ur list. I love making lists!) I did buy a Best of Musicals cd and sang along to it, honest! As for Maz's suggestions for an orgt of Lord of the Rings, well, I hate to burst ur bubble babe, but that 'genre' is not really my cuppa tea. (Try Grease or Flashdance instead?)

I tried reading a book today. Really, I feel so jealous of the British gobbling up books everywhere and so quickly that I sat on my bed and started reading a new book I'd gotten as a gift from a friend. I woke up an hour and five lines later! (It's the meds, I tell you!)

I feel funny in my tummy. It's not really nausea nor heartburn but just general discomfort. Let's just pray they reduce my meds tomoro so I can feel a bit better. I sent Wissam on a hunt for 'aniseed' or 'yansoon'. All he could find was star anise. well, after trying to boil, crush, boil again... it turned out to be NOT THE SAME AS YANSOON! Too bad. That woulda helped, perhaps! Meanwhile, It's back to ginger and peppermint and jasmine teas I guess.

Go on, have a cuppa with me,

from a land far far away,
signing off,
T-Rex

(Man, I think I am confusing my movies? See Maz, I suck at this!)
xxx

My Makeshift Comfy Sofa!

Ahhhhhh, it feels good to be back home! Got back yesterday but it took me a good 24 hours to 'find' my balance again. Sob7an Allah how immediately one feels better at home. Not that anything has changed, the dayareeeiaaa is still there, and the shivers too, but somehow I feel better. I need to rest, I know, but I feel good and less anxious and ready to conquer this ugly thing again.

I have also been eating a bit too. In fact, ouyouni ma tshoof el chicken soup, or el pasta w laban for that matter! (I have chicken soup coming out of my ears now, and if I smell boiling pasta, my stomach turns!) But today I had spaghetti with tomato sauce, yay! It turns out that dairy products are not good for diorayaaaeeiiaa! So, remember all the riz w laban, or batata w laban or labneh w toast u used to eat for an upset stomach? LOSE the laban and labneh!!! I can't even have cheese, or milk! So what do I have for breakfast??? Dilemma. I can't even have eggs cuz they make my stomach feel funny. And toast with honey or even pancakes are too dry for my dry mouth! Suggestions for something good for breakfast, not dairy and not dry??? Help!!!

I thought I'd share the above picture with you. Wiss took it of me this afternoon and I thought the colours were amazing (forget the content, I look like 'ssssick'!) As you can see, my eyebrows are really trying to bud out but with great difficulty. This is the longest I've ever been without hair and this cold weather isn't really helping here! That's the makeshift sofa, the one that'll have to do till we get to the 'original' in Beirut. This one's going with me though. I proudly bought it from Ikea. It doubles up as a king-sized bed, quite comfy indeed for the likes of its own. And that's the famous hot-water bottle, the secret to man's happiness (or mine, at least!)

Ok now, since I need to rest, and I am not really allowed to leave the house much yet, any suggestions as to how to keep busy, of course other than TV, books, mags, puzzles, cooking, etc... I know i am asking for the moon here, but perhaps someone might come up with a winner!

Awaiting your suggestions (bear in my mind, I don't like to read much, I am usually impatient and I get bored easily! There, haven't I made this easier on you?!! hehe!!! Good luck!)

Mwah,

H

OK, OK, I'm Back!!!

Ya well, one cannot stay depressed too long, it depresses you!!! Although I am still a hostage at hospital, I decided, khalas, I miss u guys and this blog too much to keep sulking.
Yes, I am still at hospital. They are keeping me till all the test results and cultures come out. Today they are removing the IV antibiotics and putting me on oral ones to see if my temperature remains stable. As for the diarrhea, ever wondered how many spelling mistakes one can make with that word?! Jeez! There's diarhea, diarya, die-a-riya, diorrhea (actually I think this one is also correct!), dioriya,... Leyla, help me out here! Eh, however u spell it, it's still there, so they r running tests for that too, but it is draining me! I am not eating (maalesh will lose some weight and become 'svelte'!) , I am taking way too many pills and I am sleeping half the day. I shall call this a retreat, or a 'cure'. Instead of going somewhere far and expensive to relax, I get to do it in good ol' Sutton!
I want to thank ALL of you who commented on my last entry. Really, thanks for your support. You are truly with me throught thick and thin. I got some lovely, warm words from many of you, esp Hania (wow, u sure know how to console someone, tks habibti!) I also happen to know that my 'silent' readers, or groupies as Dina likes to call them, are also very supportive. I thank u for that, and understand if u want to remain 'anonymous'. I love u anyway!
I had a revelation the other day while I was sitting in my hospital bed (which is by the way, unfortunately, very comfy, with crisp sheets and the perfect pillow and all). Well, as I sat there, I was thinking, when someone tells you to "go to a nice place", or "imagine yourself at the place where u would rather be, we usually immediately think of a desert island, palm trees, sunshine, maybe a couple of coconut drinks... i.e. tropical heaven. But it dawned on me that day as I closed my eyes and 'went' to my favourite place that it is no longer the island that I want. I imagined home, sofa, tv, family, friends, dinner on my coffe table with way too many people to fit, Beirut nights out, thunderstorms while u r still in bed, great food, sea, mountain, etc... Yes, my dear friends, that was very enlightening and comforting, and hopefully pretty soon I will be there, in my favourite 'place' with ALL u guys coming to visit, and me throwing parties at home, and cocktails and stuff @ the new kitchen. Pretty soon, inshallah. I just need to learn to be patient, as Wiss always reminds me.
Ok, then, now I am off to my daily routine, trashy newspaper, boring television, inedible lunch, afternoon doze, evening internet check, and late-night movie I'd seen at least a dozen times!!! The good life, eh? Hamdilla. It could have been worse.

tata my 'groupies', hehe
love,
Hala

Sunday, bloody Sunday!!!

What could be worse than a long boring Sunday indoors??? A long boring Sunday indoors at hospital with fever and diarrhea!!! Oh yes, folks, I had to be hospitalized again yesterday bec I had had a bad night and they were worried about me so they admitted me and gave me tons of antibiotics to rule out any possible danger. I am feeling better now, but bored to death, esp that today is probably the nicest weather since we got here, and it kills me to lie in my hospital bed and waste such a beautiful day.

I think I am also down cuz I miss the girls too much. It was great seeing them, but also hurtful. I got so attached to them and used to having '3aj2a' in the house that I don't dare go home to an empty house. Do u think I got sick bec of that? Or do u think I was bound to get sick but had postponed it till they all left and the coast was clear? Or did God do me that favour? Well, thanks anyway. It sure is a relief I didn't have to be hospitalized while they were here. Hamdillah for that.

So, this morning, was woken up for meds and blood tests, then breakfast (hardly ate), then shower, then read The Sunday Times which is like 3 tons heavy, that took a couple of hours, then napped a bit (but of course, with three interruptions, one nurse, one Wiss phone, one lunch), ah, lunch, hardly touched that either, then computer for a couple of hours, AND it is still 4:00 pm!!! What next? Sunday TV is boring and I can't get myself to read a book to save my life. Wiss is dozing off on the lazy chair next to me, poor thing, why does he have to carry my cross with me?

So, you see, it is not all peachy and dandy as u thought. I actually do get depressed and bored and lonely and unable to hide it (sorry, I know Fadi is going to scold me for letting everyone feel down, but I guess u oughta know the good, the bad and the ugly!)

The fact is I miss Beirut, I miss my home, my kids, my comfy sofa, my work, my friends, Gemmayzeh, Ahwet el Rawda, the Golf Club in the sun, my mom, my mom, my mom, and my darling, darling dad. It's so difficult to be away. I know, I know, I should be grateful, and I am, honest, but I just needed to let off steam. I am sorry if I bored you with this entry. I promise the next one will be 'cheerful', inshallah.

Gotta go do nothing now,
see u soon,

mwah
Hala

On Love and Chicken Soup!

Hiya everyone! Sorry it's been so long but my internet connection was out for a few days. I had to make around 25 looong phonecalls to BT and Sky and Broadband until it finally came back, alone might I add.
Well, the girls are gone, and so is Rabab! Wiss and I are back to beit byout, with the addition of mom's house help who stayed behind to help us, yay! (Now we can finally wear ironed clothes!)
It was very subtle, the way the girls said goodbye. They started a couple of days ago, coming to sit next to me or snuggle up to their dad. And then, on the last night, we had Loulwa cozying up next to us after dinner, Amar sleeping next to us at night, and Zee joining her early morning! Then they upped and went to the airport with no fuss. Only when they reached Beirut did they realize they had left us and won't be seeing us for a while. So, they ALL made a scene and teta came to the rescue! Habibati! And that's just talking about them. I won't even try to tell you how I feel about their departure!

And Rabab left today too, my soup-making, massage-doing, prayer-embracing, morale-lifting army general of an aunt! I will miss her and her chicken soup (she refused to let me open a can of soup and insisted on making me fresh ones, even late at night! Thanks, Ribbo!)

Rima http://www.marayagalleries.blogspot.com/ (sorry I dunno how to 'link' to u!) has 'tagged' me! That means I have to write 5 weird or random things about me on my blog and then tag 5 other bloggers! Well, 5 weird or random things about me, hmmmm, let's see.

1- I can't sleep if there's an open closet in the room.
2- I am afraid of the dark (always have a night light on!)
3- My fourth toe wiggles and does a dance better than all other toes!
4- I've become very picky about taste and won't enjoy just about anything anymore.
5- I don't like anyone reading my magazine before me (and I usually buy the second on the rack, after I've gone through the first!)

phewwww, that was difficult. Now to 5 more bloggers, hmmmm, Fawzan, (Yayyyy!!!! zabatit. I know how to link, I think!!!) Mazen, Nemr, Frances, and Debi.

Well, now to go and inform my taggers! (thanks for the homework, Rima!)

Meanwhile, keep warm and have soup!
love,
Hala