The past two Thursdays I've been going to a 'class' at the hospital called Fast Forward. It is intended for those who have done their bone marrow transplant and want to move on with their lives. The class consists of an hour of soft exercises, 10 work stations, in fact, like leg lifts, step-ups, and balance wheel. We, me and some 8 other 'recovering patients', take turns on each station and work at it for 2 minutes. After that, there is a relaxation session of about 15 mins, and then after that we ALL go sit in a room, have some 'tea and pie' and talk about something specific. Each week there is a different speaker, a dietician, a psychologist, a nurse... It's been a lot of fun and very useful. I was sore for three days the first time I did the exercises, but it felt good to work those sleeping muscles. I would like to be able to do more, but I guess it'll take some time to regain ALL my strength and energy.
It's great that they are trying to push us forward, to make us go on with our lives, however, I find myself somehow scared to move so fast. I mean I want to, but I am scared or anxious about the future. I'd been 'without responsibilities' here for the past four months, just concentrating on myself and on getting better. Suddenly, I have to start thinking about going back to 'normal' life, to work, to kids, to responsibilities... It won't be too long before they send me back (probably end April) and much as I'd love to go back asap, I find myself hesitant, scared and yes, anxious. What if I can't pick up where I'd left? What if I don't have enough energy for the girls? What if my hands aren't stable enough to decorate my cookies? What if my mind isn't clear enough to plan for the next business steps? What if...?
Still it feels good to go back to normal, yet I also feel guilty seeing Zeena going in the opposite direction. I am ecstatic that I have enough energy to give her her bath at night, yet feel crushed when I remove strands of falling hair with my bare hands. I revel at the fact that my energy is coming back stronger than ever and I want to go out of the house ALL day, whereas her energy is diminishing and she doesn't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. Habibti, she's been such a good girl and so 'grown-up' about the whole thing, yet the frickin' medications make her moody and fussy and weary. Yalla inshallah this will be over soon and she will go back to being the cheerful, energetic, funny kid she is.
Well, to wrap up, I guess I should be grateful that I am getting better so that I can help her get better too. So, let's press the fast forward button and jump to the happy ending at the end of the tape!
xxx
H
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9 comments:
No one said u shd pick up where u left. Not this soon, anyway. U need to pick up where U comfortably CAN & build up from there. Easy on those cells they were pampered here!! Take it easy. Keep walking. Fast forward yet one step at a time. Our hearts & minds with Zee & with U. Keep it up. f
Yay big bro.
I agree, Hala, You take care of yourself. Take it slow slow slow and don't get yourself sick with worrying and feeling guilty. You need to realise that even when you get back home it is your responsibility to take care of yourself and rest up and not be MRS Powerhouse. the more you rest, the more chance your body has to recover from all the stuff it has been through. You also have the emotional trauma of your baby's troubles and that is plenty to be dealing with. So don't rush anything and don't pressure yourself. xxx
Hey Hallolul... I was there myself..sitting on th sidelines for 4 months is a long time...and yes it will be ifferent bcs life just has moved on and so have u without noticing..u have new experirences, new boe marrow and there is Hala+4 months in another place..
Going back to "normal" everydayl ife, traffic, demsontrations, paying the bills, hearing the news, making cookies...etc.. well this is U doing it ALL...One thing u might miss is having soooo many people asking u every second how ur feeling and ready to move mountains for u..now is ur rebirth..yet again and once ur back well u will be back the okd u with new bone marrow..take it easy, take a deep breath and preapre to launch back and do it at your own pace and anyone else's..u will know when u r ready for another step...
Life is good and things will only be better..the only way is really up but at ur own pace..I cannot even stress this enough...
Hugs o Zee and u...and maybe just maybe u had to go through all this to be preapred to aceept and handle Zee's condition... u know exactly what she is going through and u hold her hand on that journey back to life...rough and long it is but worth every second.
Keep Walking girl!!
kisses and hugs.... Mo
I'm pressing my fast forward button and will sit back and watch it zoom you two back to Beirut in your own comfy happy home with your family and friends. Soon, inshallah, ya habiti.
It is normal to feel the way you do when you have been out of the main stream for awhile. Don't worry, it will come back or even it might be that God has a new plan for you.
You never stopped walking Hala and knowing you, you would find the right time to take quicker steps when you are ready.. dont push yourself or trouble your mind with the future, as long as you got your health back and soon Z too, things will fall into place. You are a ball of strength, determination and will, I have no doubt in my mind that one day you will be out there again baking and creating and being Hala again!!
lots of love.. Zena
HABIBTI HALOOL KEEP UP YR HIGH SPIRIT N DONT THINK 2 MUCH AL WILL GO WELL INCHALLAH .. LOVE U
Ya3neh if anyone can teach us how to press fast forward and how to pick ourselves up and go on, it's you. Anyway I've always found the play button more interesting than the FF. :)
Love to you, Zee, and Wissam.
Think of it as a new beginning, a chance to start again with new initiatives and a stronger more determined person as a whole. Think of it like a paint by number picture, were you paint one blcok at a time and soon enough you will have a beautiful picture with bright colours. All this time we are here for you and praying for you and Z to get better, so keep that smile on your face knowing that you've been there, you've done that and you've bought the T.shirt and no one and nothing can get in your way achieving what you want at this point.
Hey habibti
remember at the begining we used to say take one small step every day -- slowly but surely -- such a cliche but so true -- dont start worrying about everything -- you will take each day as it comes and do what you can when you can -- hey worrying about normal stuff is so normal and such a great indication that you are back on track!!! move forward, not fast forward -- just scene by scene till you are comfortable with it all, It will all come back to you naturally I promise adn hey when your body says stop, you stop, take a break and get back on track again!! Till then, take it slow, you are doing so great and I am sure all this positive energy is helping zee as well --- this will soon be part of the past for the two of you and you will be living day by day -- till then live in the present and please dont worry about the future!!
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