Fast Forward >>>>>

The past two Thursdays I've been going to a 'class' at the hospital called Fast Forward. It is intended for those who have done their bone marrow transplant and want to move on with their lives. The class consists of an hour of soft exercises, 10 work stations, in fact, like leg lifts, step-ups, and balance wheel. We, me and some 8 other 'recovering patients', take turns on each station and work at it for 2 minutes. After that, there is a relaxation session of about 15 mins, and then after that we ALL go sit in a room, have some 'tea and pie' and talk about something specific. Each week there is a different speaker, a dietician, a psychologist, a nurse... It's been a lot of fun and very useful. I was sore for three days the first time I did the exercises, but it felt good to work those sleeping muscles. I would like to be able to do more, but I guess it'll take some time to regain ALL my strength and energy.

It's great that they are trying to push us forward, to make us go on with our lives, however, I find myself somehow scared to move so fast. I mean I want to, but I am scared or anxious about the future. I'd been 'without responsibilities' here for the past four months, just concentrating on myself and on getting better. Suddenly, I have to start thinking about going back to 'normal' life, to work, to kids, to responsibilities... It won't be too long before they send me back (probably end April) and much as I'd love to go back asap, I find myself hesitant, scared and yes, anxious. What if I can't pick up where I'd left? What if I don't have enough energy for the girls? What if my hands aren't stable enough to decorate my cookies? What if my mind isn't clear enough to plan for the next business steps? What if...?

Still it feels good to go back to normal, yet I also feel guilty seeing Zeena going in the opposite direction. I am ecstatic that I have enough energy to give her her bath at night, yet feel crushed when I remove strands of falling hair with my bare hands. I revel at the fact that my energy is coming back stronger than ever and I want to go out of the house ALL day, whereas her energy is diminishing and she doesn't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. Habibti, she's been such a good girl and so 'grown-up' about the whole thing, yet the frickin' medications make her moody and fussy and weary. Yalla inshallah this will be over soon and she will go back to being the cheerful, energetic, funny kid she is.

Well, to wrap up, I guess I should be grateful that I am getting better so that I can help her get better too. So, let's press the fast forward button and jump to the happy ending at the end of the tape!

xxx
H

My Newly Plucked Eyebrows and other stories!

Yes, I finally plucked my eyebrows. There were tons of them (steroids, mish shatara minni!). I tried my best to do a good job at 'drawing' them, but it's difficult when u have to do it with shaky hands and dry fingertips! Anyway, that's the first attempt. I still have a lot of facial hair, but now that the doc's reduced my Prednisolone, I am desperately waiting for them to fall off.
Oh, and guess what??? I wore MASCARA!!! Meena, my 18-year-old bubbuly niece, bless her, took me shopping yesterday. We tried on some mascara from her favourite make (benefit) and I just fell in love with their products, and esp the packaging!!! So, I ended up buying make-up, yaaayyyy! And they ALL have funky names, for instance, Some kind-a gorgeous foundation, bad gal lash mascara and Honey, snap out of it facial scrub!!! I am very happy with my new purchase, esp that I haven't worn make-up in ages and that I'd left my case back home. So, I figured, if I'm gonna start anew, I'd better do it in style!!!
Seeing that I had lost a whole lotta weight and that my jeans are way too loose, Meena also took me jeans shopping. She has a peculiar taste and opinion about jeans, so I had to try on a million pairs until we finally decided on one. They're niiiiiccceee!!! I should put on my new make-up and new jeans and take a photo and show you the new and improved me!
I am feeling much better, hamdillah, and my energy is coming back full blast. At the same time, Zee is losing hers which makes it a bit difficult on us. Habibti, she is becoming more moody by the minute, she doesn't feel like doing much even when it's a glorious day outside. She doesn't want to ride the bike or the scooter, or go to the park... She only sometimes wants to go down to the High Street and buy herself something (to2borni tal3a la imma!) She also enjoys helping me cook, so we're doing a lot of that (well, I have to since mommy's gone, min gheir sharr, and I have to feed the family!!!) But it's been a lot of fun, esp that I have an open hotline with mom!!! hehe!!!

Speaking of food, I gotta go have dinner (Wiss has prepared a surprise!) I usually only take care of one meal, too tired to prepare dinner, so Wisso takes care of that, habibi!

Catch u l8r guys,
mwah
Hala

Chop, Cut, Cook.

Or more accurately: Chop the onions, Cut your finger, Cook the onions!!! How the heck do you chop onions without cutting a finger? How do you make them all symmetrical? And most importantly, how do you get rid of that smell on your fingers?
Sorry I haven't written in a while but I have been busy taking an intensive cooking course with mom, the best cook in the whole wide world! Ever since I got married (almost 15 years ago!) there was always someone to cook for us. It was either mom who sent us food or she'd taught our help to make us the foods we liked. I'd always reserved my energy to cooking for my dinner parties, and that usually consisted of Internataional foods, and never Arabic stews and such.
So, to cut a long story short, these past few days have been a true eye-opening experience for me. We made so many things that make you go Mmmmmm! We made riz bi foul, mnazzalet el batenjen, mloukhieh masrieh, bamieh bi lahmeh, wara2 3inab (yes, I rolled them! However, it turned out that I'd rolled them inside out!!!! How was I supposed to know that vine leaves weren't 'double-sided'?), 2 kinds of white rice, basmati and Egyptian (never had a clue b4!), plus at least 3 new kinds of soups, including yummy chicken and beef stocks (and a soup u do when u make a mistake cooking a stew!)
Mom and I had never spent so much time together, under one roof, and I can't tell you the mother-daughter bonding that goes on under that roof! She's been delightful company and wonderful support (despite her own backache) plus never-ending love supply to me and Zee. She wants to go back home on Sunday. She says haram dad's been alone for too long. I dunno what we'll do without her. We've gotten so used to her, it's gonna be very difficult to let her go. But she promised to come back with dad, so that's something to look forward to.

'Chop, Cut, Cook.' Sounds like, 'duck, duck, goose' or that game 'paper, rock, shears' (?). The phrase has been stuck with me ALL day! So has the smell of onions!!! Any tips on how to get rid of smells of onion and garlic? Plus, how do you get rid of cooking smells when u live in a small house and your kitchen is smack in the middle of the living room? OK, u open the windows for a while, light a candle... nah, doesn't work! And finally how do you chop without cutting fingers? (I bought a machine with a blade that's supposed to do the job, but it doesn't work properly, and it has so many parts that u end up doing more washing-up than ever PLUS cutting the onions manually (and eventually cutting your fingers!) The worst part is when u put on a plaster; then u can't chop at all!!!

Well, awaiting your tips for a better kitchen experience,
I leave you to ponder on ALL those yummies,

For those who want explanations and translations (Christina for instance), I will gladly send u recipes if u r interested, or even cook 'em for u when (and if) I ever see you!

Hope I didn't make u too hungry,
night night
Hala

Bonding in the Sutton Sun!

Today was a lovely day in Sutton. We took the opportunity to go down to the park with Zeena's new scooter. After a couple of runs and a small fall (oops!) Zee decided to sulk and refrain from playing. I had to get on the swings and act the clown to finally convince her to go back to playing. (In effect, I needed an excuse to get on those swings!) After that, we walked in the sun for a while, watched the squirrels and pigeons and were 'fascinated' by the young couple kissing and cuddling nonstop on one of the benches! We sat at a bench too (but didn't kiss or cuddle!!!) and had probably one of the longest conversations I have ever had with my daughter. Habibti, she has grown so much, so quickly. She speaks of everything and knows so much and memorizes so many incidences; it's amazing! I think God has sent her to me for that purpose, for Zee and I had never really spent time together as much. I was always busy with my treatment (Round 1), or with work or her sisters. Now, I feel she is ALL mine, ALL for me to explore and love and hold and kiss and, yes, cuddle!!! And she's so yummy too cuz she's been eating sooo much that her cheeks are like 'sponge cake', as Teta says.

Teta, ah Teta! Habibti mama. She was feeling a bit 'under the weather' today so she refrained from leaving the house. "I" made her chicken soup!!! Yes, moi! (Of course following her directions.) And I also made kebbe bi laban, basmati rice, ejjeh (omlette with courgettes, onions and parsley for those who dunno) AND a salad!!! ALL following mom's instructions. Zee helped too. She peeled the cucumbers, grated the courgettes, squeezed the lemons and handed us pots from the low cupboard! It was great cooking together, three generations of kitchen lovers!

After lunch, I wanted to be in the sun again, so I left them napping and went down to the High Street. I walked ALL the way down, bought 'a few' things along the way then took the bus back up!

I don't know where ALL this energy is coming from. I think cuz I used to be anemic (another difficult word to spell!) and am not anymore (cuz Fadi isn't) I have so much extra energy that I need to spend. Hamdillah that I am able to do it without causing any pain or trouble. The doc did say I had to walk a mile a day; However, he didn't specify whether it should be a 'shopping' mile or not!

Anyway, as long as I am feeling better, I will keep on walking, God willing, and I will hold Zee's hand and walk with her till the very end, inshallah.

Hope tomoro is another sunny day for me and ALL of you!

g'night people,

mwah,

Hala

(n.b. Zeina Halawi pls send me ur email or number urgently!)

TA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

CLOTROPHOBIA!!!!!!

Forgive me dear friends, for I have stalled! Well, actually, I didn't really stall, but I couldn't get myself to type with one hand. The reason for that is, actually, that there turned out to be a CLOT under my left arm, causing it to swell and hurt, thus making it impossible for me to use. They said it was most probably caused by the Hickman Line that they had put in my veins a few months ago to give me meds thru and draw out bloods from, and that it was absolutely essential to remove it ASAP. So off to the Minor Procedures Unit we went (that was Friday) and did a 'minor' operation to remove the 'bloody' line. And since I had a bone marrow aspirate on Monday, I opted to do it right then too so I would finish with it and spend a 'carefree' weekend. So, there I was, needles in the front and in the back, push, pull, stitch, breathe, exhale, ignore, shush, quiet, ouch, yikes... till it was over about an hour later and I got to go back home and rest.
Clots! As if I needed more headache. I had just finished from one in my right arm a week ago! (That one was caused by the Central Line I had put in in Beirut last August!) So now it's more shots in the stomach, which I don't really mind giving myself cuz it makes me feel like a doc or a nurse for a little while, hehe! But Clots! Imagine I survive ALL only to die of a blood clot! Wouldn't that be ironic! Yalla baseeta, when u gotta go u gotta go, no matter how or why. But issokay, or it should be, inshallah. A couple of months and it'll melt away. Meanwhile, I will try not to think much about it and hope the swelling in my arm eases pretty soon.

On a lighter note, MY EYEBROWS ARE ALL OUT!!!! So is my hair (even facial hair, oh God!) and those who don't believe me, hmmm, I'll have someone photograph me tomoro and I'll post the picture, I promise!

I shall leave you for now. Gotta go make Zee some more food! Habibti, ever since they started her on steroids she hasn't stopped eating! And she is picky too, and sets out the menu for the whole week! I guess she's taken much more from me than ALL! God bless her!

g'night
xxx
H

ALL Hail The Unknown Soldier!!!

Whether it's sleeping on 5 pillows on the floor of AUH's BMT Unit, or lying next to Zee at the Royal Marsden Children's Ward; whether it's eating sandwiches when u r diabetic and it's the worst thing for him or sneaking out early in the morning for a coffee and a smoke; whether it's putting on the bravest, most supportive face for me or the funniest, most loving one for Zee, you cannot help but admire the unknown soldier, Wiss.
A man of very few words, he has put his life on the side to help me (and now Zee) get through the toughest periods of our lives. He's forgotten about his passion, his painting, and only sketches from time to time to keep his hands working. He's deleted the 'ever-so-precious' afternoon nap, the quiet few hours in his room in the morning, the 'time-out' he slips away to just to be there for us. I don't think I've ever known anyone become so selfless, so unselfish, so devoted to anyone as much before. And I'm not just saying that cuz he's my husband (Lord knows I wouldn't have been able to do so much had I been in his shoes, God forbid!)
So, for those who have mentioned 'The Forgotten Soldier" in their comments earlier, thank you from Wiss and me. And for those who don't know Wiss, or are still 'discovering' him (as I am still), well guys, we have a gem on our hands.
Allah ykhalleek fo2 rasna habibi, and God give you strength to carry on this journey till the near and happy end, inshallah.

Love you,
H